To her right a crash sounded, it was quickly followed by a string of polite profanities and over the top apologies as Ash skidded into a banner asking for donations to the museum. Iphy’s hissed and waved in Ash’s direction trying to catch their eye. After apologising for existing, Ash power walked their way over and crouched down next to her. “I think we lost it,” they said breathlessly, “I detoured through maritime heritage so hopefully it’s caught up in that maze of galleries.”
“Ash, honey,” said Iphys, “I don’t think that turtle demon is here to learn about shipwrecks.” As someone well and truely used to Iphy’s particular brand of sarcasm, Ash simply rolled their eyes in response.
Iphys scanned the room looking for any sign of their pursuer, fortunately the turtle demon had yet to rear its long and ugly head. Unfortunately, the breathless curator and their beautiful but extremely odd friend had begun to attract some attention from the other party goers. “Can’t I attend just one high society gala without causing a scene?” Iphys murmured.
“I don’t know, can you?” Ash queried harshly.
“We should probably get up off the floor before someone starts to question your employment status,” retorted Iphys as she stood up as elegantly as the situation permitted.
“Oh,” said Ash looking around the room, “right. Yeah, my director isn’t looking too happy at the moment.” Ash gave a half hearted wave to a stern looking woman in her late forties. Iphys wasn’t sure if the look of scorn on the woman’s face was for the earlier crash entrance or fact that Ash was currently mucking about on the floor with Cleopatra.
They both stood up and straightened themselves, trying to save what little dignity they had left. Iphys ran a hand through her hair and asked Ash how her makeup was looking.
“Like you were painted by the Ptolemaic queen herself,” said Ash with a smile.
“What?” Iphys said with a shocked look on her face. She turned to look at the glass cabinet beside her, hunting for a reflection. “I’m supposed to be Cleopatra…” She could hear Ash sigh in response, but her attention was suddenly drawn elsewhere. While checking her eyeliner hadn’t smudged Iphys had noticed a familiar face being reflected next to her own. In a panic she almost whacked her forehead into the glass display as the black beady eyes of an African soft shelled turtle stared blankly at her. Iphys spun around and confronted the small but intricate statue of her peruser.
One of the few items not behind glass, the turtle headed demon reclined on a stark white plinth. It’s body was completely human from the neck down and stretched out lazily as if resting on a beach or riverbank. Its non supporting arm reached out wistfully into some unseen water. Clearly the artist had never actually encountered this creature before, or if they had it was on better terms than Iphys. The biggest artistic licence taken was the depiction of the creature’s head. Often images of Egyptian gods and demons were depicted as humans with the head of an animal, like Anubis with the head of a jackal, whereas the demon she encountered was more like an even blend of turtle and man with its grey-brown body warped and mottled with scales. Here however, the artist chose to place an entire turtle on a man’s neck stump, complete with tiny little legs sticking out from the shell. Their earlier attempts were probably too obscure to be easily recognised as a turtle and Iphys imagined a frustrated artist just shoving the whole animal on there and saying something like ‘it’s a turtle! See!’ Odd as it was, the idea of its little turtle legs paddling in mid air was pretty cute. She’d rather be chased by this funny little guy than the actual demon any day.
“Shit eater,” said Ash rather unexpectedly.
“What did you call me?” asked Iphys, shocked that such an insult could come from her friend. She was clearly a bad influence on people.
“That’s what its name is, ‘eater of his own excrement,’ or crudely translated, ‘shit eater’.” Ash had a huge grin on their face but Iphys declined to reward the crassness with anything but a glare. She looked over the figurine again, “so this is the guy chasing us?”
“Maybe?” said Ash as they leant in to look at the display. “You know, I think I’ve seen this image somewhere else in the museum.”
Iphys looked around at the other objects on display. Most were large stone statues of cats or gods, the rest glittered with two thousand year old gold. “I can’t see anything that stands out,” said Iphys scanning the room. “Although that old guy in the oversized suit looks a bit turtle like.”
Ash was already moving, heading back towards the Egyptian gallery where they had encountered the turtle demon. “Woah, wait!” Iphys called after them, “what if it’s still there?” With a wave of their hand, she was dismissed by Ash who was clearly on a mission. With a heavy sigh Iphys followed her friend through the gallery doorway, at least this time she knew what might be waiting for her.
Not for the first time tonight, Iphys thanked the gods she was wearing flat sandals over some of her more elaborate heel options. The long straps criss crossing up her legs will probably leave bright red marks for a week, but at least she could run in them, well power-walk at any rate. Iphys was only slightly breathless when she eventually caught up to Ash, they were staring intently at a large display case that ran the length of the wall. It was one of the older dark wooden ones that the museum was hoping to replace if tonight’s fundraising event went well.
Iphys put her arm on Ash’s shoulder and leant in, breathing heavily. “So…” she said between gasps, “what’s so important that it’s worth risking our potential demise either via turtle demon or cardiac arrest?”
“That,” said Ash pointing at a curved white stick covered in what Iphys only knew as ‘Egyptian hieroglyphs’. She lent in closer trying to read the neatly printed museum didactic that sat next to it. “Apotropaic ‘magic’ wand,” she read out loud. “Middle Kingdom, circa 2030–1640 B.C.E.. Made from hippopotamus ivory and carved to look like a tusk, engraved images of demons holding knives adorn this protective amulet.” Iphys smirked, “maybe I should carve images into my Magic Wand to confuse future male archaeologists.”
“Luckily for us it’s a more literal definition of magic wand,” said Ash. “These wands are usually covered in pictures of demons, the current theory is they are used to call on their power to protect you.” Ash pointed at the wand. “The other going theory is that they protect you from the demon depicted. Do you see which demon this one has carved on it?”
Iphys low key loved it when Ash went all nerdy curator on her and their teacher voice came out. She lent closer to the glass, trying not to smack her head into it like a jewellery store window. Dark inset lines showed a surprisingly detailed engraving of a now familiar turtle body sat atop the neck of a human. Its form dotted the carved ivory in various poses depicting life amongst the reeds and river of the Nile. “Shit head!” exclaimed Iphys excitedly.
“Eater,” corrected Ash, “but yes. I think this wand could help us, one way or another.”
“Ash, you’re amazing!” said Iphys as she hugged her friend, “now open up that cabinet and let’s vibrate this turtle demon back to the Middle Kingdom!”
“Again not that kind of magic wand, and I don’t have the keys to this cabinet.” Ash looked around to orientate themselves, “we could try and get the key from the security team downstairs…”
“Nah, I got this one,” said Iphys as she pulled out a metal credit card stashed beneath her waistband. She studied the lock on the display case and scoffed, “a wafer lock? You really do need to replace these cabinets.”
“I don’t know what that means, but there’s a donation box on the way out if you’re feeling generous,” said Ash. “Especially after you’ve destroyed ancient artefacts, interrupted a fundraising event, and whatever else you’re going to get up to.”
Iphys popped out one of the laser etched tools cut into the metal card and started to jiggle it in the lock. “I haven’t destroyed anything, it was an ancient Egyptian demon from the afterlife that did the destroying. If anything, I’m saving the museum and all the people in it from that monster’s wrath!” she accented her defence with a click as the lock popped open. “It’s self preservation, perfectly defensible in court,” she said sliding the glass door open and grabbing the wand. “You wanna get eaten by a turtle?” She waved the artefact around in the air.
Ash’s face paled as they tracked the wand with their eyes. “The senior conservator is going to be so pissed at me.”
Iphys shoved the wand into the top of her skirt’s waistband, the ancient ivory cold against her skin. “Isn’t she the one you’re always bitching about anyway?” she asked, wiggling her fingers above the wand like a gunfighter in the Old West.
“Yes, but usually I have the moral high ground,” explained Ash, “I don’t want to give her an actual reason to be right for once.”
Iphys scoffed as she pretended to quick draw the wand, pointing her fingers at Ash’s heart. “Why Ashley, how very vindictive of you,” she said pulling the trigger on her finger gun. “I like this side of you.”
Ash rolled their eyes and closed the cabinet. “You know, not everyone holds grudges like you do.”
Iphys narrowed her eyes at Ash and in a deep whisper said, “I’ll remember that.”
“Not everything in life is a video—” Ash said as Iphys abruptly cut them off with a hand on their shoulder.
Putting a finger to her lips, Iphys made a soft shushing noise and nodded towards the far gallery. Ash turned just in time to watch the turtle demon shuffle past. They both looked at each other wide eyed.
“That was close,” Iphys breathed.
“Do we…do we go after it now or…?” they whispered.
“Depends,” said Iphys, her hand on the wand in her waistband. “How confident are you this thing will work?”
Ash swallowed nervously, “everything is just a theory until proven.” Their usual aura of confidence had been wearing down over the course of the evening, chipped away by being confronted with the unknown. Even so, they were still the most even headed person Iphys knew, but she felt increasingly bad for dragging Ash into her mess. Iphys made a mental note to ask the goddess about small in-kind boons for people who assist her. “Theories are usually based on some evidence though, right?” Iphys asked, forcing herself to sound upbeat and perky. The vague shrug from Ash wasn’t the friendly reassurance she was looking for. “Ok, well if this doesn’t work I want you to tell everyone how brave and beautiful I was,” she said with a sad smile.
Putting their hand on Iphy’s shoulder, Ash eulogised in a mocking tone. “Her fool hearted bravery was only outshone by her dumb good looks.”
“You are so lucky I like you,” she said, her accompanying glare met with a familiar and reassuring grin. “Whelp, once more into the fray, I guess.” They both nodded and Iphys led the way through the gallery in search of the demon.