Iphys cautiously eased herself around the corner, ivory wand in hand. The large and imposing turtle demon stood swaying in front of a long wall graphic called ‘Life on the Nile’. It seemed captivated by the drawings depicting farmers and merchants going about their daily life in the shadows of half built pyramids. Iphys pulled her head back and whispered to Ash, “I think it’s homesick?”
“Maybe it’s confused?” said Ash after peeking a look. “It’s been plucked from gods know where into a world vastly different from their own. I’d be pretty disorientated under similar circumstances.”
“Are you actually empathising with the shit eating demon?” asked Iphys, wide eyed.
“Every living thing deserves basic human compassion, you taught me that.”
“One,” rebutted Iphys, “noted exceptions include Nazis and transphobes, and B, I hate when people quote me to myself. I’m usually right and it’s very annoying.”
Ash waved her off. “It had to be done. The only person you reliably listen to is yourself.”
Iphys frowned inwardly as she pondered the ethical implications of their current situation. “It is trying to kill us though,” she said, “and my compassion doesn’t extend to those who wish to murder me. I refer to my previous point re Nazi’s and transphobes.”
“We actually don’t know if it is trying to kill us,” said Ash, ever the optimist. “We woke it up, summoned it sort of, and then it started chasing us.”
“Exactly,” said Iphys pointedly. “It came out of that portal all ‘raaahhhrrr’ and we only just got away.” She imitated a T-Rex with her arms, emphasising the roar of the creature.
“I think it was just doing its job, guarding a gateway. Would you say a security guard is trying to kill you if you trespass?” said Ash.
“I mean, some of them, yeah. Did you see the way that one security guard looked at us during the protest last month? What’s that Al Pacino quote, ‘he wants to kill me so bad he can taste it!’
“Didn’t you hack the public signage to display his linked-in profile though?”
Iphys shrugged. “He was being an asshole before that.”
“All I’m saying,” said Ash as they stole another peek at the demon, “is that there is cause and effect.”
“Ok, ok,” said Iphys resignedly. “We won’t kill…”
“…or mame,” interjected Ash.
“…or mame,” continued Iphys, “the turtle guy until we establish clear motivation.” Attention still on the demon, Ash nodded in agreement and Iphys stepped out into the gallery “Iphys!” Hissed Ash, “what are you doing?”
“Establishing motivation, she replied. Waving her arms around Iphys called out, “hey! Shit head!”
Ash jumped back and flattened themselves behind the archway in an effort to avoid being seen by the demon. “I don’t think calling it ‘shit head’ is helping to improve the situation,” they said in a loud whisper.
“That’s its name!” said Iphys in her normal speaking voice, having given all pretence of stealth away.
“No it’s not!” came the exasperated response from Ash.
“Close enough,” shrugged Iphys. Her eyes opened wide as the creature stretched its long reptilian head around in a lazy circle to look at her. “I don’t think it matters now anyway,” she said taking a cautious step backwards. “It’s looking right at me.”
“Deescalate, don’t antagonise!”
The creature slowly turned its grey-brown humanoid body around to align with its head. Even from across the room it towered over her, Iphys could see right up its long tubular nostrils as they flared on each heavy exhale. Both stood still, each silently studying the other. For the first time since it emerged Iphys was able take the demon in. It wore a plain off white linen wrapped skirt around its waist that hung perfectly, pleated in a simple but stylish way. Iphys wondered how it stayed in place, seemingly held together only by expert folding. The only other piece of clothing was a broad neck collar made of gold and lined with beads of turquoise and obsidian arranged in alternating rows. The bright colour of the collar contrasted against the demon’s mottled skin. If not for the turtle head it could have been one of the drawings come to life from the mural. There was a simple elegance in it all.
Iphys was unsure what her own costume was communicating to the creature. Ash had picked apart all the inaccuracies of her outfit earlier in the evening, apparently she was mixing middle and new kingdom fashions, but as she had loudly told Ash, “sexy Cleopatra cares not for historical accuracy!” Her usual wardrobe was a lot more subtle, opting for a nerd chic with printed dresses, and jackets weighed down with a thousand self identifying pins. On the rare occasions like tonight when she did dress in a more revealing femme style it gave her a deep sense of euphoria. Like the turtle demon, there was a freedom in being yourself and not covering it all up.
Ash peeked out from behind the wall like they were watching a tennis match, their head bouncing between the two players in disbelief. “Uh…are one of you going to do something or are you going to stand there like models in the exhibit?” they asked with an exasperated tone. “It’s just that I have better things to do, like go home and not get fired. Or arrested now that I think about it.”
Iphys scrunched her face into a scowl, “well what do you want me to do?” she asked pointedly. “You told me not to antagonise it!”
“I don’t know, move around, see if it follows you,” offered Ash from the sidelines. Cautiously, Iphys shuffled to the side, eyes locked solid on the turtle demon. A low rumbling noise stretched out nervously from her throat as she inched forward as slowly as her body permitted. The demon swayed on the spot as its tiny black eyes tracked her movement. Iphys stopped halfway across the wide gallery space, the demon remained where it was.
“Try moving backwards,” said Ash
“You try moving backwards!” Iphys shot back automatically. “Sorry, the impending threat of being mauled and/or devoured by an ancient turtle demon might be getting to me.” Ash shrugged it off and encouraged Iphys to take small steps away.
Iphys inched backwards, half a step at a time, eyes locked on the demon. Its long grey neck stretched out towards her until it was forced to shuffle forward, as if tethered by an invisible thread. It slowly moved forward, keeping pace with Iphys as she walked backwards. Growing bolder, Iphys added in some side and forward steps, the turtle demon keeping pace perfectly. It became a game of Snake, with Iphys leading the ancient demon up and down the gallery space neatly avoiding freestanding displays and information panels. Emboldened by the level of control displayed by Iphys, Ash had quietly inched out into the archway. “That’s a great party trick,” they said hands on hips, “but what do we do with it?”
Iphys was starting to experiment with the level of control she had over the demon’s smaller body movements. Which in practice looked a lot like she was trying to get the demon to do the Nutbush. “Can we send it back?” she asked while bringing her left knee up. “You know, put it back into the doorway it was guarding?”
“I don’t think enough of it survived the ah, birthing,” said Ash as they cautiously crossed the gallery floor.
“Ew,” said Iphys with a thoroughly disgusted look on her face. She dropped her knee and lifted the other one watching the turtle demon awkwardly mirror her. “Well do you have another ancient Egyptian doorway around here?”
Ash paused as they reached the gallery’s other archway, head tilted back as they mentally ran through the museum’s collection. “Not really no,” they said eventually, “but I don’t see how that would that have helped?”
“This is a guardian demon right?” said Iphys mid double knee raise. “They’re like the bouncers of the Egyptian underworld.”
“That’s one way to put it I suppose.”
“Well, one doorway is as good as another then, right? We point them to some ruins, say VIPs only and it’ll scurry off to be our door bitch. Jobs a good-en,” said Iphys grinning as she started to speed up the choreography. “Oh, shit!” she suddenly exclaimed dropping the dance routine entirely. “Do you think all these doors go to the same place?”
“Uhm, maybe?” replied Ash as they checked the hallway cautiously. “Weirdly there aren’t too many papers written on practical portal magic of the Old Kingdom.”
An exasperated groan came from Iphys.
“That said,” Ash continued, “most scholars believe demon gate guardians protect entrances to the underworld.”
“Ok, that’s good. We can work with that,” said Iphys slightly more upbeat. “We find a gate and get this guy to open it up for us, grab the thing for Isis and seal it back up.”
“Wait,” said Ash abruptly. “What thing for Isis?”
“Huh? What?” Iphys replied dismissively, trying to wave off Ash.
“Don’t, ‘huh, what’ me young lady,” said Ash with the tonal authority of a parent. “Have you got me involved with some sort of terrorist plot?” Ash had mouthed the word ‘terrorist’ as if uttering it out loud would summon armed Federal Police.
“What? No! The goddess Isis,” she said pointing to the necklace around her neck. “I’d tell you if we were doing a terrorism.”
“Instead we’re doing what exactly?” asked Ash.
“Well, to borrow from Belushi, we’re on a mission from a goddess.”
What little frivolity remained on Ash’s face this late into the evening dropped. The parental act became real as their lips pierced together into worried frown. Slowly and softly Ash asked Iphys what exactly that meant, all the while studying their friend’s face with a concerned curiosity.
“Uhm,” started Iphys, her hand running nervously back through her hair. “The goddess Isis came to me and asked me, as a devoted follower, to assist in locating her dead husband’s missing body parts.”
“In a dream?”
“No, in the library.”
“You never told me about this,” said Ash a little hurt.
“My conversations with the goddess are need to know,” explained Iphys matter-of-factly. “That,” she continued, “and I needed you to know I wasn’t having a complete mental lapse.”
“On the bright side, the turtle demon certainly helps clear that part up,” said Ash looking pointedly at their reptilian friend.
“Unless we’re both having a shared delusion right now,” pondered Iphys out loud.
Ash shook their head. “No, our delusions usually centre around being able to affect socio-political change on a global level. This seems more grounded somehow.”
“Bleak,” said Iphys sadly. “Unfortunately the goddess’s boons don’t cover universal basic income.”
“Damn, probably need to hit up Zeus to get that,” said Ash.
“Careful,” warned Iphys playfully, “you’re mixing Greek and Egyptian polytheism.”
“Whoops, wouldn’t want that to happen. Historically it doesn’t tend to work out well, just ask Cleo,” said Ash with a smile, nodding towards Iphys’ costume.
“Glad that’s all cleared up,” said Iphys lightly clapping her hands together.
“None of this is cleared up, Iphys!” Ash interjected. “You have a lot more explaining to do after all this.”
“Yeah, yeah,” promised Iphys with a wave and a smile. “You’ll get all the divine details later. Right now though, exactly how many places can a demon portal lead to?”
Ash let out a soft sigh of defeat before burying their face in their hands. They exhaled a short muffled scream into their palms. “Ok!” Ash said as their hands ran up over their face and through their crop of short curly pink hair. “We’ve got this.”
“Totally,” smiled Iphys as she threw a peace sign and stepped out into a Sailor Moon power pose, complete with magic wand in hand. Ash looked over at the turtle demon sloppily copying Iphy’s stance. Its elongated neck stretching towards them, flared nostrils wiggling about dripping with mucus. Shaking their head Ash mumbled a resigned, “Isis is going to smite us so hard…”
Renewed with a vigour that only comes with the heady cocktail of ignorance and stupidity, Iphys strode forward and slapped a hand down on Ash’s weary shoulder. “That’s the spirit!” she said cheerfully before continuing on through to the next gallery space. The turtle demon, pulled along by its invisible strings, slowly trundled up to Ash. Pausing briefly next to them it looked down at the harrowed curator and let out a deep grunt. A large and heavy scaled claw clasped onto Ash’s shoulder before it stomped off to follow Iphys.
“Yeah me too buddy, me too,” Ash said resignedly as they sighed and ran to catch up.
“Doorway, doorway,” sung Iphys as she power walked through the exhibition halls. “Who’s got a doorway?” With Ash and the turtle demon following along behind her, Iphys felt the allure of playing tour guide. She resisted pointing out objects and making up stupid facts about them, even though it would annoy Ash to no end. This must be what personal growth feels like, Iphys thought, smiling to herself. She turned around mid stride to face her followers and continued walking backwards, not an easy task given the form hugging skirt she was wearing. Her brain usually worked faster than her mouth could keep up with, something she was a little self conscious about, not that it stopped her from trying to keep the two in sync. To offset this, she would watch the body language of people around her to see if they became bored or disinterested in her babbling. Something that was hard to do walking in front of or next to people, thus her patented walking backwards technique had become standard for her. It wasn’t without its foils however and one of the main reasons she was often covered in mysterious bruises.
Watching Ash walk almost side by side with the ancient turtle demon that almost twice their size was comical at best. The demon’s long neck swaying gently back and forth as it slowly padded along after Iphys, like an oversized grey Labrador puppy. Contrasted by Ash who lagged behind slightly, their head down lost in deep thought like a child contemplating the punishment that awaited them at the end of the misadventure. Not for the first time in her life, Iphys felt extremely guilty for dragging poor Ash into something they clearly did not want to do and was only along for damage control, worried about her safety more than their own. She appreciated the balance Ash brought to her life though, otherwise who know’s where she’d have ended up by now.
Iphys, mouth open ready to express her gratitude for Ash, let out a tone of surprised joy. Ash’s name being on the tip of her tongue melted into a cry of “aaaaaashhh!” as she pointed towards a sign she had missed. Ash woke up from their worrying and turned to see what Iphys was yelling about. The hanging sign directed them to an old part of the Egyptian exhibition, the replica temple of Karnak. “Ohhh,” said Ash as they worked out what Iphys had picked up on.
“Do you think that would work?” asked Iphys as she changed directions mid stride and headed towards the temple entrance.
“It’s just a foam and chipboard replica though,” said Ash dismissively, “it’s not a real temple.”
“What is a temple anyway?” pondered Iphys out loud. “Plenty of houses these days are made of foam and chipboard and nobody seems to mind.”
“Except architects, engineers, and anyone with taste,” quipped Ash as they watched Iphys disappear through the archway.
The temple loomed out of the darkness up lit by warm desert lighting, filling the entire exhibition space. From the doorway it was an impressive sight, rows upon rows of carved sandstone pillars stood guard in front of the temple entrance along the back wall. Detailed carvings depicting gods and rulers alike were sunk into every column, while every other available space was carved in hieroglyphs. Pale tan carpet covered the floor in undulating hills, giving the illusion that the structure had just been uncovered by a sand storm. From a distance it was an impressive display, up close however it was less so as Iphys ran her hand down one of the columns. The plastic sandpaper coating rang hollow as her royal blue acrylic nails tapped on the surface and the foam beneath betrayed the illusion. Still, Iphys thought, it does the job and it’s not like she was headed to Egypt anytime soon.
“The doorway is up here,” said Ash leading the way to the back of the room. It was a simple but extremely tall rectangular archway that cut through the rows of smooth stone bricks running the length of the back wall. While the dimensions of the room limited the scale used, Iphys still got the impression that she was but an ant compared to this architectural feat. Iphys once again reached out and ran her hand over the rough faux facade.
“Are you sure this will work?” she asked staring up at the archway.
“It’s a replica of the Great Hypostyle Hall at Karnak,” said Ash slipping into their curatorial tour voice. “The temple is dedicated to Amun-Re, the highest deity in the Egyptian pantheon. If anything here is going to work this would be it. Then again, I have no idea about any of this.” They said with a shrug and a pained smile. Iphys slowly pulled the wand from her belt, the ancient carved ivory horn had a surprising weight to it as she held it out towards the archway. She looked over at Ash for some sort of reassurance but her learned friend gave nothing but doubt and worry. With a deep exhale Iphys raised the wand and called out, “open!”
Nothing happened. Iphys shook the wand and repeatedly called out synonyms of open. “Reveal! Expose! Make way!” Neither the doorway nor the wand responded. “Aaaash,” Iphys whined, “it’s not working!” She pouted and wiggled the wand at her friend.
“Gah!” exclaimed Ash, shielding themselves with their arms and trying to dodge the point of the wand. “Careful where you point that thing.”
“But it’s not doing anything, see?” said Iphys continuing to wave the wand about indiscriminately.
“You don’t know that,” said Ash, their face full of concern. “It might not be a door opening wand but maybe it does something else, like turn poor innocent curators into turtles.” At the mention of turtles, Iphys cocked her head. “Oh my gods, you’re absolutely right!” squealed Iphys as she turned on the spot to face the turtle demon patiently standing behind her. Silently with shoulders hunched over, the demon’s head was slowly tracking the wand’s movements through the air. Its long neck and black eyes perked up as Iphys addressed it.
“Shitty my dear, be a doll and open up a portal to the netherworld for us,” commanded Iphys in her best Transatlantic accent. “There’s a good guardian.” The demon stared her down with cold unblinking reptilian eyes. For a moment Iphys second guessed her over confidence and shuffled back slightly. She gulped loudly and swallowed her fear. “Go on,” she encouraged waving the wand towards the archway. “Fetch me the package I need for Isis.”
With the encouragement from Iphys the turtle demon began lumbering towards the archway. Iphys and Ash cheered triumphantly as the creature walked past them, but their excitement quickly dissipated as the demon continued along the back wall, avoiding the archway altogether.
“Where’s it going?” Iphys asked Ash without waiting for a response. “Hey, where are you going?” The turtle demon ignored her and sped up into a jog towards the emergency exit tucked into the back corner of the room. The green glow of the exit sign grew brighter as the demon approached quickly expanding to cover the door in a bright ethereal light. A deep thrum sounded and the light began to pulse in time, it grew louder and quicker as the turtle demon rapidly approached. Without slowing the demon ran right into the middle of the flashing light and disappeared.
The light quickly dimmed to a swirling, pulsing green glow and a slow, steady beat matched it. Iphys and Ash stood in shock, mouths agape.
“Uhm, what if there’s an emergency?” asked Ash, ever the pragmatist.
“Dunno,” said Iphys, eyes still locked on the swirling green portal. “Turtle guy distracts you from the fire?” They both waited amongst the fake temple ruins, the steady pulse of the portal fading quietly into background noise.
“We really need to put that wand back before anyone notices,” Ash worried out loud.
“Those ancient ruins are going to be harder to fix,” added Iphys.
“I’m so going to jail over this, I just know it.”
“Ugh you’re such a downer. Blame it on one of those rich idiots at the party. You tried to stop them but they were too much of an entitled asshole to listen.”
“Iphys!” Ash looked agape at their friend, “how would we even prove such a thing like that? If we wanted to that is.”
“Well, I have a bunch of business cards I’ve been collecting tonight,” she said pulling several from her bra. “We could just drop one near the area, like whoopsie!”
“You are a stone cold evil bitch, do you know that?”
“Aww, Ashy, you say the sweetest things to me!” Iphys put an arm around Ash’s waist and planted a light kiss on their cheek. “Thank you by the way,” she said leaning her head on Ash’s
“For what, calling you an evil bitch? Anytime kiddo.”
“No, you jerk,” Iphys said playfully swatting Ash’s arm. “Thank you for helping me with weird and dangerous life stuff that might get you arrested and/or fired.”
“Yet again,” prompted Ash.
“Yet again,” confirmed Iphys.
Ash smiled and embraced their friend. “It’s ok,” they said softly, “at least this time you’re going to get me a boon from an actual goddess.”
Iphys slightly pulled away from Ash to look them in the eye. “Uhhh, not quite sure that’s something I can…”Ash cut her off as they squeezed Iphys a little too tightly. “A boon from an actual goddess,” they whispered joyfully into her ear. Iphys gave into the forceful hug and grimaced over Ash’s shoulder, “sure buddy, whatever you say.”
Luckily for Iphys the sound of the world’s largest plug hole draining filled the room heralding the turtle demon’s return. The portal sprang back to life swirling green and white clouds as its accompanying beat quickening to the point of crescendo, gurgling the entire time. With a sickeningly wet pop, the turtle demon poked its long grey head through the middle of the portal. Accented by an annoyed grunt it flung a small bandage wrapped parcel out of the portal, landing neatly at Iphy’s feet. The demon’s cold black eyes glared at them and its nostrils flared and wiggled about before it slipped wordlessly back into the portal.
“I’ll miss you too, Shithead!” yelled Iphys into the rapidly disappearing glowing clouds. “I think it was saying thank you!” she said to Ash.
“I don’t think that’s what it was saying at all,” Ash replied credulously.
“Eh, what do you know?”
“A heck of a lot more than you do.”
“Oh is that right?” Iphys said squaring up to Ash.
“Yeah, it is.” Ash grabbed the wand from Iphys and held it securely against themself. “Now let’s put this wand back, plant some evidence, and get the Hel out of here,” they said watching as the clouds cleared around the emergency exit sign. It flickered briefly before dying completely.
“So,” asked Iphys as they started slowly towards the exhibit’s entrance, “do you want me to give Isis your number or…?”
“Tempting as it is,” mused Ash, “I only have capacity for one goddess ruining my life.”
With a bright grin Iphys put her hands to her chest and twirled on the spot. “This pleases me.”
“Hah!” exclaimed Ash, “you wish.”
“What? Who is it then? Tell me!”
“No, you already have a goddess in your life, this one is all mine.”
“Nooooo!” cried Iphys. “We can share! I’m a sharer! We’ve shared before!”
“Oh yeah and how did that turn out? Much like this little adventure I seem to recall.” Ash waggled a finger at Iphys scaldingly. “My goddess. No touchy!”
“Assshhhhhhh!” whined Iphys, “not fair!” She stamped her foot and pouted. Ash ignored her and walked purposely out of the exhibit and back into the museum proper.
“Hey, wait up!” Iphys called out as she scrambled across the fake desert sand and after her friend.